I had a REALLY shitty weekend.

My mom's birthday was Friday, so I was so excited to give her the painting of her cat that I'd commissioned and received just a couple days before in the mail. I knew she'd flip over it, because she loved that cat so much (I did, too). She did love the painting and took it to work to show the girls in the office. I knitted for a while since I had huge new needles that made for fast scarves and I wanted to finish the one I'd started the night before. I had my orange kitty, Iago, in with me (and he wasn't even trying to attack my yarn). Mau, my mom's kitty, usually sleeps with me during the day and she was getting kind of annoyed I hadn't gone to bed yet. I fell asleep on the couch sitting upright with my knitting needles still clutched in my hands and Iago leaning against me. My feet were freezing. I got up and threw Iago back outside and called Mau to come down to the basement with me. She followed like always and as I lay on my side she curled up atop my hip, under the covers, for maybe an hour, purring until I stopped petting her 'cause I was asleep. She got up and lay in her usual spot next to my pillow and the next thing I knew my brother was waking me up at 5 to ask if I wanted to go out to eat with my mom (she'd called me but by ringers were all off). Mau jumped down when I got up but then just laid down on my floor. Usually she would have bugged me to let her out of my room. I picked her up and set her on the stairs and she just sat there, which was weird, too. My brother came back down to relay another message and I gave Mau to him and told him to take her up to the kitchen. I got ready, blahblah, and Mom got home, tried to feed Mau, and she wouldn't eat more than a bite or two, after much encouragement. Mau just seemed lethargic. Mom and I went out to have a fish fry and since my aunt and uncle's band was playing we got up to sing a few songs, but we left early 'cause my mom was worried about her cat. I had the thought, Oh god, don't let it be that I got her that painting and her cat dies. Stupid, uncomfortable thought. I stuffed it away.

We got home and Mau didn't want to sit on anybody's lap. She didn't even want to be touched. Usually she wanted to sit on you despite the fact that you were knitting or writing or whatever and had no room for her. She was pretty bossy. Friday night she just kept slinking away and hiding and when I crawled under the table once to check on her, she warned me away. Her breathing was a little labored. My mom figured she'd call the vet in the morning. My friend Chris called me after a while so I went down to my room to talk to him, and then, well, I was restless and wrote that blog entry. I did fall asleep for a little bit after that...

And then my mom screamed from upstairs, "Robin, are you awake? MAU'S DEAD!" I can still hear the pain in her voice when she said that and I'm blinking my eyes.

I threw on my clothes and ran upstairs to find her sitting on the love seat in the family room, cradling Mau's body and shaking with grief. Mau's eyes were kind of white and dead and wouldn't stay closed and her mouth was open, but otherwise she was warm yet and looked the same. She was so small. We both held her and cried and then I woke up my brothers, who came right down. My baby brother cried, too (my other brother doesn't really like cats, although he always said Mau was at least "interesting" because of her very singular personality). It was horrible, not just because I loved her, but because I just didn't know what to do for my mom. We didn't expect Mau to die. She wasn't old. We don't know what happened, other than thinking maybe the fact that she was horribly sick and in need of surgery when we found her meant that her body had just been through too much and even though we had her cured for almost 3 1/2 years, her body had just had enough. She seemed fine until the previous afternoon.

I thought about coming on here and saying that my previous post was irrelevant and insignificant because a member of our family had died and who the fuck cares about some dog trying to get me to help him cheat on his girlfriend. Instead, once we got Mau into a boot box, wrapped in a baby blanket and established that we couldn't do anything else since it was snowing, I went to bed. And stayed there for about twelve hours. I was just so sad. I got up 10:30ish and watched DVDs and knitted all night, while my mom slept in her chair, next to the painting of Mau, which she'd set on a little table between her chair and the love seat. Mau was still in the box on the love seat and my mother hadn't been able to bring herself to cover her little girl's face yet. I tried to ask her about that and she said probably she'd take care of it in the morning. Sigh. She went to bed at about 5am and closed the box.

This may be creepy, but we'd decided to put Mau in the freezer. We couldn't bury her and individual cremation costs $80 for an animal her size (and Mom would have wanted her ashes to bury in the spring), so the only thing to do was preserve her until we could put her in our little pet cemetery. The temperature is way too variable to keep her outside, so there you have it. I wanted to put her in that morning, but I knew it wasn't my call. I was about to go to bed at around 8am when she called down, "Robin, will you help me tape up my Mau?" Her voice was breaking. She sat upstairs email her friends for like two more hours while I waited. Finally she came and we put a toy and a flower in the box with her and wrapped the box in plastic and then secured it with lots of clear packing tape. The box was from my dad's work boots and says CAT. My mom kissed the top of the box before we put it away in the back of the freezer and covered it up.

Poor Mau. Such terrible timing.

I had a line-through with my cast mates for the play at 1pm so I ended up staying awake until 6pm. I felt like shit and my mom was still moping around. I had to work at 10, so that sucked. I had the worst fucking headache. I started making a prayer shawl and I think I'm going to give it to my mom when it's done, and tell her it was made with thoughts in my head of sympathy and healing. It's blue and the yarn is really pretty.

I cried on the way home 'cause I was thinking about how Mau wasn't going to sleep in my bed with me anymore. She was sort of like a little furry person, the way she'd almost talk to me and tell me what to do. She could open doors, too. I have it on video.

I asked my mom how she was doing this past afternoon and she said she cried in the shower this morning. I think part of my hurt is actually hers, if you know what I mean. I feel so bad for her. I probably loved Mau more than any of my own cats, but I do love my three cats that I still have. She doesn't mind the other cats, but she isn't attached to them. She says she may never want another pet, but I think after a while it would be good for her to fall in love again, so to speak. I looked up Manx kittens (Mau was a Manx with a funny, stumpy tail) and found that you generally have to get on a waiting list and they cost $200-400.

Oh, now I'm crying again.

I hate it that people always are sympathetic when someone's dog dies and just sort of dismiss it when the lost pet is a cat. Cats are affectionate and they get attached to their people...and their people love them right back. Mau always missed me when I wasn't home. She'd scold me if I was gone for a few days and then pretend to ignore me before following me around again, like she was trying to teach me a lesson. She liked all of us, but she especially favored my mom and me. She almost always was game to go sleep in my room...if I walked past that door, she was right there trying to open it and she'd run down. She loved to cuddle. She was a sweet girl. She was also kind of clumsy in a very un-catlike way that was really amusing to watch. I always said she sucked at being a cat, but she tried anyway.

Well, I'm sure the rest of you all all crying now, too, out of boredom. I don't care. I needed to spill this somewhere. I really, really miss her.

Hey, ho...I'm alive!

I'm obsessed with knitting now, have made 3 scarves and have like 4 or 5 in progress. Have spent probably $250 in the last two weeks buying needles and yarn. Someone should probably shoot me. I could have had my PC redone for that. It all depends on my focus, I guess. My focus SHOULD be on FAWM and songwriting, since it's February, but I started knitting...

I'm also in a play in Hartford that opens in two weeks. Small part, only twenty lines. I'm playing an 80-year-old woman and the play is fuckin' hilarious. I only get to see the part I'm in so I'm looking forward to running the whole show next week so I can see what the rest of it looks like.

I'll be the one in the audience that's knitting. LOL