I had planned to write an exuberant, funny little post about how, an hour after I wrote my last post, my Friday took a definite upturn, but I'm feeling suddenly sort of melancholy. But I'll tell you about the rest of Friday first.
At roughly 2pm, after I'd logged off the internet, my boss called me to ask if I wanted to come pick up my bonus check.
Say what?
BONUS. CHECK. Totally unexpected.
It was over $650.
So okay, I wasn't tired anymore and was jumping around and squealing like a demented squirrel who has suddenly found a whole year's worth of stored acorns in the middle of winter. I got my check, delivered the down payment for my pending fairy tattoo, and went shopping. I picked up a few items from the electronics section that were filed in the "could definitely use but can grudgingly live without" category. Yay. Then I got home and messed with my new toys for a bit...and then at about 6:30pm, I got a call from a number I though might be from Beaver Dam. Hooly shit.
I got the part of Rosalind in Moon Over Buffalo.
::falls over::
Now, I can't really picture how it's gonna go over with an audience to see a fat chick in a love triangle complete with passionate kissing, but okay. I'll do the job and I'll love it. I'll just have to forget that I never would have in a million years placed a girl my size in that role...and just do it. Just be Rosalind. I have to believe it before anyone else does, right?
All in all, I was ecstatic to get the part. I'm pretty sure it's the biggest part I've ever had.
But anyway...
Last Thursday night I logged onto Yahoo to find that my old friend Marty, a man from the Philippines I used to chat with and write to constantly when I was a senior in college, had sent me a message inviting me to sing with him on SingSnap. I went to his page and listened to him sing...and wow...he sounded kind of like George Harrison. Same sort of voice, anyway...and not what I would have expected. Not that I would have known what to expect. I loved the sound of it, though. So I joined and since then we've been exchanging little messages over the site...and I'm starting to feel like I felt back when we felt spiritually inseparable. It sucks. It sucks because he's married now and it sucks because he's in Riyadh until God knows when, and it sucks that nobody has ever written to me the way he does. We had an intellectual and emotional relationship based on a foundation of poetry. We met because of poetry, we connected because of poetry, we sent our favorites to each other and wrote new ones about the way we felt. His poetry was magnificent. Sometimes I'll come across an old printout and sigh. Such words. I miss them.
Right now Marty's family is far away from him, back in Manila, and he's got to be so lonely. I'm lonely, too. Is it wrong of me to hope that he and I can rekindle the romance of words that we once shared? We'll never meet...
Yeah, yeah. It's wrong.
But I think its says something that...well, let me back up. We had a sort of signature poem. Some couples have songs, right? We had a poem, "somewhere i've never traveled,gladly beyond" by e.e. cummings, easily one of my very favorite poets. This poem was our theme song, and it will always remind me of him. It will always feel special. A few years ago, while talking on the phone with my beau of the moment, this beau wanted to read me a poem...and chose that one. Immediately it felt like fate had slapped me in the face and pointed at the man on the phone, saying THIS IS THE ONE. He wasn't, of course.
But maybe, at one point in time, even half a world away, Marty was.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
La la la.
So it's Friday afternoon and I haven't managed to get my sorry ass to sleep. I spent part of the night at work screwing around on InterPals, a pen pal site I just found and joined, and then after work I went to the gym and killed myself for at least an hour and a half. I did the TreadClimber machine for half an hour (it said I burned like 430 calories!) and then lifted weights the rest of the time. I am so dead. ::sigh:: I like the muscles I'm developing, though, so I guess I'll persevere. I've lost about 22 pounds so far, and as I've decided to get a tattoo for every 25 I lose, I've made an appointment at a tattoo parlor to get something small inked into my back. I'm pretty excited. My second tattoo!
I don't think I mentioned that I didn't make that play last week in Menominee Falls. Wah. I kinda thought I had it, but oh well. The play I tried out for this week in Beaver Dam, Moon Over Buffalo, really doesn't have a part that fits me (I mean, I could play one, but there were others with more appropriate builds and ages), but I expect to at least be part of the backstage crew. I need to be part of a show this fall. Once I lose more weight, I should be able to play ingenues and romantic leads. I'm 30, but I can pass for younger as it is, so once I lose weight it should be even easier. Meh. I expect to get a call sometime tonight from the director...I heard her say that she will call either way, which I take to mean 'whether or not a person is cast.' Plus, she knows I will gladly work on crew, so I'd think she'd call and let me know what's up either way.
There is a play I could go out for in West Bend this fall, but it auditions after Moon has already closed in mid-October, so I might as well get myself involved. Theatre makes me happy. I've never done crew before, but I think it will be a rewarding and educational experience. I need to feel like there's a part of me doing something more important than just work and slacking off.
I'm feeling kinda formless right now...probably has something to do with lack of sleep and the fact that earlier I spent two hours in the sun cleaning out my messy Jeep. I have to go to the bank yet to get a little money for the weekend and I need to maybe catch a nap. More Jeep-cleaning is in order as well, though I doubt I will finsh today. I'm already losing steam and Maulla (mow-ya, the cat) has been eyeing me sullenly for a while now, since by now she and I are usually snoring in my bed downstairs. She is so controlling.
I'd better get off here now...ugh.
Toooodles.
I don't think I mentioned that I didn't make that play last week in Menominee Falls. Wah. I kinda thought I had it, but oh well. The play I tried out for this week in Beaver Dam, Moon Over Buffalo, really doesn't have a part that fits me (I mean, I could play one, but there were others with more appropriate builds and ages), but I expect to at least be part of the backstage crew. I need to be part of a show this fall. Once I lose more weight, I should be able to play ingenues and romantic leads. I'm 30, but I can pass for younger as it is, so once I lose weight it should be even easier. Meh. I expect to get a call sometime tonight from the director...I heard her say that she will call either way, which I take to mean 'whether or not a person is cast.' Plus, she knows I will gladly work on crew, so I'd think she'd call and let me know what's up either way.
There is a play I could go out for in West Bend this fall, but it auditions after Moon has already closed in mid-October, so I might as well get myself involved. Theatre makes me happy. I've never done crew before, but I think it will be a rewarding and educational experience. I need to feel like there's a part of me doing something more important than just work and slacking off.
I'm feeling kinda formless right now...probably has something to do with lack of sleep and the fact that earlier I spent two hours in the sun cleaning out my messy Jeep. I have to go to the bank yet to get a little money for the weekend and I need to maybe catch a nap. More Jeep-cleaning is in order as well, though I doubt I will finsh today. I'm already losing steam and Maulla (mow-ya, the cat) has been eyeing me sullenly for a while now, since by now she and I are usually snoring in my bed downstairs. She is so controlling.
I'd better get off here now...ugh.
Toooodles.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
100 random facts about ME...
1. My all-time favorite song is "Let It Be."
2. I have a tarot card collection, though I rarely take the time to read anyone's fortune.
3. I still crush on circa 1967 Paul McCartney.
4. I know my library card number off the top of my head.
5. I have a baby brother half my age.
6. I sang a concert with my college choir at Notre Dame in Paris.
7. I started writing poetry when I was about 8 years old, songs when I was 13.
8. When I was 15 I was heavily into politics and even wrote a political column for the school paper...and I got hate mail! :D
9. I never went on a date until after I graduated from college.
10. I speak Spanish well enough to dream in the language when I'm in a Spanish-speaking country.
11. I can swear in sign language.
12. I dig long hair on a hot guy. >:)
13. I have seen my favorite band 43 times in concert.
14. I've been to concerts in at least 12 different states.
15. I have the same birthday as my dad.
16. I could give a pretty decent tour of Florence right now without any preparation (do I have any takers? LOL!).
17. I have wanted tattoos ever since I was 12, when my favorite band was Mötley Crüe. I finally got one last February...and I have an appointment for my second in less than two weeks!
18. I have a tied tongue.
19. I used to be a day camp counselor.
20. I spent a summer singing and playing guitar at tables at a place in Wisconsin Dells when I was 20.
21. I still have Beatles posters on my walls from my college days.
22. I have three cats, but it's my mom's cat who thinks she owns me and bitches when I get out of line.
23. I drive a 1995 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo with almost 180,000 miles on it. And no, I don't plan to get a new car anytime soon.
24. I really love rainbow colors. The brighter the better.
25. I plan to hide my tattoos from my parents for as long as I possibly can. :"> Because I'm a giant wuss.
26. Once I took the metro alone to the red light district in Paris to visit the erotica museum there.
27. I have been across the Bridge of Sighs.
28. I have been to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
29. I saw the famous ash people in Pompeii.
30. As a child, I sang on stage with my parents' country-rock band.
31. As a teenager, I never once snuck out.
32. The first time I got really drunk, I was in Vienna, and I was 19.
33. I went through a pretty huge Michelangelo phase when I was 21-22. I used to have dreams about him.
34. After touring a special traveling exhibit in the National Gallery in D.C., I became smitten with John Singer Sargent for a while.
35. I spent about five hours at l'Accademia in Florence, just hanging around the David and writing.
36. I can wiggle my ears.
37. I dye my hair every couple of months, and generally have been since I was 14. The color varies.
38. I cried when I finished reading The Lord of the Rings for the first time, because it was over.
39. When I was little I used to pretend I was my own twin. My mom went along with it.
40. I was a National Merit Scholarship Semifinalist; I have a letter from the Governor floating around somewhere.
41. The first time I took the ACT, I was 13. I got a 20.
42. I passed out once while giving blood in high school.
43. I am almost entirely incapable of arriving anyplace on time.
44. I eat peanut butter with a spoon, right out of the jar.
45. I love garlic; I don't care what it does to my breath.
46. I have never voted Republican.
47. I really want to live in another country for a while, preferably in Europe.
48. I took honors math in high school.
49. I have sung at both weddings and funerals.
50. I do not smoke, and I only get drunk a few times a year.
51. When the moon is full on a clear night, I love how my body casts a shadow in the silvery-blue light.
52. My favorite anime is Death Note.
53. Even though I am only 5'2" I have a number of cousins shorter than I am, on both sides of the family. We're just short people.
54. Once I climbed almost to the top of the Pyramid of the Sun in Mexico. I still hate Jill Fraundorf for that.
55. I'm obsessed with making ringtones for my phone.
56. I prefer tea to coffee.
57. I don't drink soda.
58. I had pizza in Italy and I didn't like it.
59. I sang a mass in the Pantheon with my choir in 1997, and the highlight was a bird pooping through the huge hole in the ceiling.
60. I haven't ridden a bike in 10 years.
61. I used to play volleyball pretty well when I was a kid.
62. When I was a teen, I used to sprain my ankles constantly.
63. I have never been admitted to a hospital (since birth, anyway).
64. I spent a one semester as a General Music long-term (that means every day) substitute teacher, grades K-12.
65. I was in Venice during Carnival (a.k.a. Mardi Gras in the US) in 2000. It was crazy.
66. I think gelato is the best ice cream ever, but only if you get it in Italy.
67. When I was in 5th or 6th grade I read 12 Nancy Drew books in one weekend. I don't remember why I did it, but I was pretty pleased with myself.
68. I love to ride the subway.
69. I love making mix CDs.
70. I love school.
71. I've been known to crush on fictional characters.
72. I didn't have curly hair until I was in 6th grade. I don't know why...hormone changes or something.
73. My vision is something like 20/300 without correction.
74. I've always wanted to have buff arms like Angela Bassett in Strange Days.
75. I've never had a one night stand.
76. My first high school crush is now a female impersonator.
77. I used to ride horses. Someday I'd like to do it again.
78. I think it would be fabulous to be fluent in five languages. The idea excites me.
79. I almost always sleep on my side.
80. I always dream in color, and I can have a full, elaborate experience even if I only doze off for a minute.
81. I get whole albums stuck in my head.
82. I like to make up names.
83. I hate raw celery, and will taste it in anything whether I can see it or not.
84. I like to draw, but I don't do it very often.
85. I love to dance.
86. A really good male singing voice can turn me into puddles in an instant.
87. I really, really dig guys with foreign accents, notably Scottish, Irish, or Russian. =P~
88. I hate my teeth.
89. I always have at least one ingrown toenail.
90. I am incapable of getting a tan, so I shun the sun instead.
91. I once read a book about the matrilineal nature of mitochondrial DNA and liked it so much I bought my own copy.
92. When I was 9 I wanted to be a paleontologist.
93. I am not affiliated with any religion.
94. If vampires were real, I'd want to meet one.
95. The only time I ever obsess over sports is when the Olympics are on. My favorite team is Team USA! :D
96. I never have long nails on my left hand.
97. I tend to chew my guitar-playing calluses.
98. I found my first white hair when I was 18. I don't bother to pull them out anymore.
99. I like frogs a lot; they're ugly-cute.
100. I have a really large collection of metaphysical and occult literature.
2. I have a tarot card collection, though I rarely take the time to read anyone's fortune.
3. I still crush on circa 1967 Paul McCartney.
4. I know my library card number off the top of my head.
5. I have a baby brother half my age.
6. I sang a concert with my college choir at Notre Dame in Paris.
7. I started writing poetry when I was about 8 years old, songs when I was 13.
8. When I was 15 I was heavily into politics and even wrote a political column for the school paper...and I got hate mail! :D
9. I never went on a date until after I graduated from college.
10. I speak Spanish well enough to dream in the language when I'm in a Spanish-speaking country.
11. I can swear in sign language.
12. I dig long hair on a hot guy. >:)
13. I have seen my favorite band 43 times in concert.
14. I've been to concerts in at least 12 different states.
15. I have the same birthday as my dad.
16. I could give a pretty decent tour of Florence right now without any preparation (do I have any takers? LOL!).
17. I have wanted tattoos ever since I was 12, when my favorite band was Mötley Crüe. I finally got one last February...and I have an appointment for my second in less than two weeks!
18. I have a tied tongue.
19. I used to be a day camp counselor.
20. I spent a summer singing and playing guitar at tables at a place in Wisconsin Dells when I was 20.
21. I still have Beatles posters on my walls from my college days.
22. I have three cats, but it's my mom's cat who thinks she owns me and bitches when I get out of line.
23. I drive a 1995 Jeep Grand Cherokee Laredo with almost 180,000 miles on it. And no, I don't plan to get a new car anytime soon.
24. I really love rainbow colors. The brighter the better.
25. I plan to hide my tattoos from my parents for as long as I possibly can. :"> Because I'm a giant wuss.
26. Once I took the metro alone to the red light district in Paris to visit the erotica museum there.
27. I have been across the Bridge of Sighs.
28. I have been to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
29. I saw the famous ash people in Pompeii.
30. As a child, I sang on stage with my parents' country-rock band.
31. As a teenager, I never once snuck out.
32. The first time I got really drunk, I was in Vienna, and I was 19.
33. I went through a pretty huge Michelangelo phase when I was 21-22. I used to have dreams about him.
34. After touring a special traveling exhibit in the National Gallery in D.C., I became smitten with John Singer Sargent for a while.
35. I spent about five hours at l'Accademia in Florence, just hanging around the David and writing.
36. I can wiggle my ears.
37. I dye my hair every couple of months, and generally have been since I was 14. The color varies.
38. I cried when I finished reading The Lord of the Rings for the first time, because it was over.
39. When I was little I used to pretend I was my own twin. My mom went along with it.
40. I was a National Merit Scholarship Semifinalist; I have a letter from the Governor floating around somewhere.
41. The first time I took the ACT, I was 13. I got a 20.
42. I passed out once while giving blood in high school.
43. I am almost entirely incapable of arriving anyplace on time.
44. I eat peanut butter with a spoon, right out of the jar.
45. I love garlic; I don't care what it does to my breath.
46. I have never voted Republican.
47. I really want to live in another country for a while, preferably in Europe.
48. I took honors math in high school.
49. I have sung at both weddings and funerals.
50. I do not smoke, and I only get drunk a few times a year.
51. When the moon is full on a clear night, I love how my body casts a shadow in the silvery-blue light.
52. My favorite anime is Death Note.
53. Even though I am only 5'2" I have a number of cousins shorter than I am, on both sides of the family. We're just short people.
54. Once I climbed almost to the top of the Pyramid of the Sun in Mexico. I still hate Jill Fraundorf for that.
55. I'm obsessed with making ringtones for my phone.
56. I prefer tea to coffee.
57. I don't drink soda.
58. I had pizza in Italy and I didn't like it.
59. I sang a mass in the Pantheon with my choir in 1997, and the highlight was a bird pooping through the huge hole in the ceiling.
60. I haven't ridden a bike in 10 years.
61. I used to play volleyball pretty well when I was a kid.
62. When I was a teen, I used to sprain my ankles constantly.
63. I have never been admitted to a hospital (since birth, anyway).
64. I spent a one semester as a General Music long-term (that means every day) substitute teacher, grades K-12.
65. I was in Venice during Carnival (a.k.a. Mardi Gras in the US) in 2000. It was crazy.
66. I think gelato is the best ice cream ever, but only if you get it in Italy.
67. When I was in 5th or 6th grade I read 12 Nancy Drew books in one weekend. I don't remember why I did it, but I was pretty pleased with myself.
68. I love to ride the subway.
69. I love making mix CDs.
70. I love school.
71. I've been known to crush on fictional characters.
72. I didn't have curly hair until I was in 6th grade. I don't know why...hormone changes or something.
73. My vision is something like 20/300 without correction.
74. I've always wanted to have buff arms like Angela Bassett in Strange Days.
75. I've never had a one night stand.
76. My first high school crush is now a female impersonator.
77. I used to ride horses. Someday I'd like to do it again.
78. I think it would be fabulous to be fluent in five languages. The idea excites me.
79. I almost always sleep on my side.
80. I always dream in color, and I can have a full, elaborate experience even if I only doze off for a minute.
81. I get whole albums stuck in my head.
82. I like to make up names.
83. I hate raw celery, and will taste it in anything whether I can see it or not.
84. I like to draw, but I don't do it very often.
85. I love to dance.
86. A really good male singing voice can turn me into puddles in an instant.
87. I really, really dig guys with foreign accents, notably Scottish, Irish, or Russian. =P~
88. I hate my teeth.
89. I always have at least one ingrown toenail.
90. I am incapable of getting a tan, so I shun the sun instead.
91. I once read a book about the matrilineal nature of mitochondrial DNA and liked it so much I bought my own copy.
92. When I was 9 I wanted to be a paleontologist.
93. I am not affiliated with any religion.
94. If vampires were real, I'd want to meet one.
95. The only time I ever obsess over sports is when the Olympics are on. My favorite team is Team USA! :D
96. I never have long nails on my left hand.
97. I tend to chew my guitar-playing calluses.
98. I found my first white hair when I was 18. I don't bother to pull them out anymore.
99. I like frogs a lot; they're ugly-cute.
100. I have a really large collection of metaphysical and occult literature.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Holy balls...
Jonathan Horton lost the gold on high bar by 25 thousanths of a point! If he'd have stuck the landing, he would have WON!!!
That was a crazy amazing routine.
WOW.
And you can see how happy he was.
::wiping tears::
That was a crazy amazing routine.
WOW.
And you can see how happy he was.
::wiping tears::
Just watching the Olympics again...
I'm watching Women's Softball, USA vs. Japan, and we're in the bottom of the 9th. It already happened, so I know we won. LOL. We finally got 4 runs at the top of the ninth and now Japan will get 1 run before it's over. Then the next game will be broadcast live at 5 am I guess (I doubt I'll get to watch it) and that's the game Australia or Japan has to win to get into the gold medal match against the USA. Whoever loses that next game automatically gets bronze, then whoever loses the gold medal game gets silver, while the winner, of course, gets gold. So we have at least a silver for sure. Our girls haven't lost one yet at these Games, so I'm pretty sure we're golden again.
I'm waiting for the rebroadcast of tonight's primetime offerings. I missed Jonathan Horton's silver medal routine on high bar and I really want to see it. He's such a sweetie - I'm so happy for him. I'm also glad that Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin went 1-2 on the beam.
God, all I do is watch the damn Olympics. Once this week is over, the obsession is pretty much done. By then I hope to be cast in a play, 'cause that wil carry me back into my puppy love with theatre. And that's just fun. I tried out for a play last night, and tomorrow I'll find out if I made it. If I don't, there are a couple more auditions I can swing.
It wouldn't be a bad idea to try to fall back in love with my novel, either...either one of them, really. Hahahah.
I'm waiting for the rebroadcast of tonight's primetime offerings. I missed Jonathan Horton's silver medal routine on high bar and I really want to see it. He's such a sweetie - I'm so happy for him. I'm also glad that Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin went 1-2 on the beam.
God, all I do is watch the damn Olympics. Once this week is over, the obsession is pretty much done. By then I hope to be cast in a play, 'cause that wil carry me back into my puppy love with theatre. And that's just fun. I tried out for a play last night, and tomorrow I'll find out if I made it. If I don't, there are a couple more auditions I can swing.
It wouldn't be a bad idea to try to fall back in love with my novel, either...either one of them, really. Hahahah.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
A word of advice...
Never log on to Yahoo Music Chat at 4 am: all you'll get is propositions from 8 guys on the other side of the world that don't speak English.
Seriously.
Seriously.
Monday, August 18, 2008
You should probably just ignore me...
You know, you just can't promise to stay in touch with every nice person you meet.
I've often thought about this. I meet exceptionally nice people all the time, and always feel guilty when pressed into pledging to talk or meet again sometime in the near future. I wonder how many are sincere and how many others are hoping I won't bother. Keeping that oft-repeated pledge isn't going to happen unless I feel a real connection, a compulsion to savor this person while I can. I deal with this a lot online, especially on the dating sites I putter around with when I'm really fecklessly bored. Sometimes I'll have a really good, hours-long conversation with someone and he'll assume it means something. It doesn't. I think that generally any random pair of people, properly acquainted, has at least one good conversation to share. The real chemistry test is whether the conversation fodder renews itself constantly, or if the speakers run out of things to say.
If I'm in the right mood, I can fill up an hours-long conversation all by myself, mind, but I've got to be in the mood. And no matter how keyed up and exuberant I feel about whatever my latest obsession might be, eventually having a conversation partner that rarely says anything more complex than "ok" or "cool" will really start to blacken my crazy happiness. And I resent that. I can tell just by chatting with someone whether or not he's someone I should continue to know...or rather, sometimes it takes me a while to know that, but often I know right off and I am never wrong about that, even when I try to persuade myself that's so. I've tried to be straightforward with some of these chat partners and all I get is an argument when I try to politely say "thanks, but we're just not compatible," so now I say whatever I have to and then disappear.
Some of these people really are SO nice. But while I do want nice, there are some other qualities I require to feel an affinity, and I can't always put those into understandable terms. Basically, I need someone to "get" me...if a prospective lover or friend truly, deeply understands me, he or she will also automatically have a least some of the indescribable characteristics that draw me like a magnet. I crave that; I need it. Even meeting a new girlfriend that totally clicks with me is like falling in love in a way. It's been a while since even that happened, and she's recently changed so much that only part of the time do we connect like we used to, and instead of calling each other enthusiastically every day and hanging out once a week, it's more like talking once every two to four weeks and going to a movie or a concert once every other month. I need a fresh, new, eager connection. Enthusiasm that is too infectious to deny.
I know I'm flawed, sometimes very ungracious. Nice people, friends of the the family or what-have-you will visit or try to help with something and in the little corner of evil in my mind I curse their obvious-seeming blunders and convoluted logic. I know so many nice, simple people. I have to fight to keep the glaze from settling over my eyes, though many of them don't seem to recognize the expression. I don't think I'm better, but I'm different. It's more difficult to make me happy, to keep me satisfied. I always want more...new experiences, new knowledge, quirky, new skills. The people around me that don't, they feel...stagnant.
I'm sure the flaw is mine.
Anyway, where was I going with this? I sure sound like a horrible, haughty bitch!
Basically, I chatted with some dude in Texas and disappeared on him after he said we should keep in touch. Nothing in common, buddy, sorry. Better I fade away...
I've often thought about this. I meet exceptionally nice people all the time, and always feel guilty when pressed into pledging to talk or meet again sometime in the near future. I wonder how many are sincere and how many others are hoping I won't bother. Keeping that oft-repeated pledge isn't going to happen unless I feel a real connection, a compulsion to savor this person while I can. I deal with this a lot online, especially on the dating sites I putter around with when I'm really fecklessly bored. Sometimes I'll have a really good, hours-long conversation with someone and he'll assume it means something. It doesn't. I think that generally any random pair of people, properly acquainted, has at least one good conversation to share. The real chemistry test is whether the conversation fodder renews itself constantly, or if the speakers run out of things to say.
If I'm in the right mood, I can fill up an hours-long conversation all by myself, mind, but I've got to be in the mood. And no matter how keyed up and exuberant I feel about whatever my latest obsession might be, eventually having a conversation partner that rarely says anything more complex than "ok" or "cool" will really start to blacken my crazy happiness. And I resent that. I can tell just by chatting with someone whether or not he's someone I should continue to know...or rather, sometimes it takes me a while to know that, but often I know right off and I am never wrong about that, even when I try to persuade myself that's so. I've tried to be straightforward with some of these chat partners and all I get is an argument when I try to politely say "thanks, but we're just not compatible," so now I say whatever I have to and then disappear.
Some of these people really are SO nice. But while I do want nice, there are some other qualities I require to feel an affinity, and I can't always put those into understandable terms. Basically, I need someone to "get" me...if a prospective lover or friend truly, deeply understands me, he or she will also automatically have a least some of the indescribable characteristics that draw me like a magnet. I crave that; I need it. Even meeting a new girlfriend that totally clicks with me is like falling in love in a way. It's been a while since even that happened, and she's recently changed so much that only part of the time do we connect like we used to, and instead of calling each other enthusiastically every day and hanging out once a week, it's more like talking once every two to four weeks and going to a movie or a concert once every other month. I need a fresh, new, eager connection. Enthusiasm that is too infectious to deny.
I know I'm flawed, sometimes very ungracious. Nice people, friends of the the family or what-have-you will visit or try to help with something and in the little corner of evil in my mind I curse their obvious-seeming blunders and convoluted logic. I know so many nice, simple people. I have to fight to keep the glaze from settling over my eyes, though many of them don't seem to recognize the expression. I don't think I'm better, but I'm different. It's more difficult to make me happy, to keep me satisfied. I always want more...new experiences, new knowledge, quirky, new skills. The people around me that don't, they feel...stagnant.
I'm sure the flaw is mine.
Anyway, where was I going with this? I sure sound like a horrible, haughty bitch!
Basically, I chatted with some dude in Texas and disappeared on him after he said we should keep in touch. Nothing in common, buddy, sorry. Better I fade away...
Friday, August 15, 2008
Oh, Sasha...
Hehe. I just wanted to share this article. Of course, a lot's happened since then, but hey, I didn't know some of that. Can't wait to watch the men's pommel horse final!
Just surfacing...
Guys, I am soooooo freaking obsessed with the Beijing Olympics right now. I'm watching it like, I dunno...just about every second I'm not sleeping, in the shower, or working out at the gym? Scaaary. I'm so not a sports nut usually (bad memories of being picked last for everything but volleyball in gradeschool gym class), but I always love the Olympics. Sooo great. I got all teary after Nastia Liukin finished her floor routine in the All-Around. She was amazing...so graceful. Shawn Johnson was brilliant as well and it was so cool to see the US finish 1-2 in that event. Currently I'm watching the US women's softball team cream the Canadians in a rematch (they were rained out the other day). I've just found Jennie Finch's blog (she's the star pitcher), so you should check it out. It's a rare glimpse into an Olympic Champion's personal experience, day-to-day.
Oh, and since this is my first post here and I'm basically suckass at keeping up with any sort of journal, you can check out my main Livejournal, too, if you want. I pretty much rattle on about the same things...
My brother is babbling on the phone to me about absinthe and has been for about an hour and a half. I think he's high on it; it does supposedly contain a hallucinogen. I really don't know how it's legal again. Most of the brands sold here now don't have Grande Wormwood, but Lucid does. He's freaking out, he says. Well, he's only boring me. LOL. I do want to try it, though. I've been curious ever since I watched the absinthe-drinking scene in Moulin Rouge, in which Kylie Minogue played the green fairy once they were all fucked up, ha ha. It looked like fun. Anyway, my brother blew $60 of his very meager cash flow on a bottle of Lucid and he won't shut up about it. He just said, "I'm glad my name isn't Jesus, 'cause then I'd be all fuckin' holy an' shit." And then he laughed his head off. Brilliant. That's why I love him. He says the table is moving and he's having a hard time eating his rice. Freak.
Oooh, NBC Olympics just sent me a text to let me know that Venus and Serena Williams will be playing in like 2 minutes...I can't seem to find it on TV, though. Lame.
Oh, by the way, we won the softball game. I've just been kinda browsing here...I've probably been writing this post for forty-five minutes...haha. I can't seem to stop obsessing, looking up stuff online while I'm watching TV, too. I'm watching Nastia Liukin on the balance beam again. She was amaaaazing.
*sigh*
Oh, and since this is my first post here and I'm basically suckass at keeping up with any sort of journal, you can check out my main Livejournal, too, if you want. I pretty much rattle on about the same things...
My brother is babbling on the phone to me about absinthe and has been for about an hour and a half. I think he's high on it; it does supposedly contain a hallucinogen. I really don't know how it's legal again. Most of the brands sold here now don't have Grande Wormwood, but Lucid does. He's freaking out, he says. Well, he's only boring me. LOL. I do want to try it, though. I've been curious ever since I watched the absinthe-drinking scene in Moulin Rouge, in which Kylie Minogue played the green fairy once they were all fucked up, ha ha. It looked like fun. Anyway, my brother blew $60 of his very meager cash flow on a bottle of Lucid and he won't shut up about it. He just said, "I'm glad my name isn't Jesus, 'cause then I'd be all fuckin' holy an' shit." And then he laughed his head off. Brilliant. That's why I love him. He says the table is moving and he's having a hard time eating his rice. Freak.
Oooh, NBC Olympics just sent me a text to let me know that Venus and Serena Williams will be playing in like 2 minutes...I can't seem to find it on TV, though. Lame.
Oh, by the way, we won the softball game. I've just been kinda browsing here...I've probably been writing this post for forty-five minutes...haha. I can't seem to stop obsessing, looking up stuff online while I'm watching TV, too. I'm watching Nastia Liukin on the balance beam again. She was amaaaazing.
*sigh*
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